Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Inner Thoughts of a Teenager

Today is a beautiful day. The sun shines and beats down on me. I could drink it all in except why should I? I would rather sulk. Then my mom will be sorry. Maybe if I never speak to her again she will know how important it was for me to go with Kristy to the zoo today. Sigh. Ben was going to be there! And instead I get to sit here at the stupid playground.

"Jem! Move!"

I look up to see my snot-faced little brother at the top of the slide glaring. Yes. This is what I get to see all day instead. Why would I want to go to the zoo with Kristy and see Ben's gorgeous blue eyes when I can look at this snotty freckled nose, wrinkled at me all day? My mom never understands ANYTHING.

With a groan I stand and he slides down with a squeal. So! gross! Now I have to get a tissue and wipe off that slime. What was mom doing that is SO IMPORTANT that she leave me here?

"Jem!!! JE-EM!" He whines.

I turn and see him stringing a long line of the goop from his face all over the bottom of the slide.

"Eew! CARTER! Stop that!" I go for him with the tissue and he only runs away. "Yuck! Now look what you did!" I cry after him, wiping the bottom of the slide off a bit with the tissue. "Come back over here so you don't do that again." Where is mom?!

"Jemma, Je-em, Jemma, Je-em!" He taunts me. I just give him a nice glare and sit on the slide again. Who cares if he gets that slime everywhere. Then maybe it will just be a bigger mess for Mom to clean up when she gets back. Maybe instead of just not talking to her I'll just never look at her again. She'll never see my beautiful brown eyes look at her again! That should punish her! She'll miss the twinkle and one day she'll beg me to just look at her. And I won't. Because today she RUINED MY LIFE!

"Jemma! Can you come here and help me get everything in the car? It's time to go."

Ok, here it goes. I'll do both at first. I won't look at her OR talk to her. If I HAVE to answer then I just won't look at her. I walk toward her voice, eyes on the ground. She'll be sorry now.

"Jem, Carter has dirt all over his face? How did this happen?"

Like it's my fault. I just keep walking to the van, grabbing the diaper bag on the way.

"Jem, I'm going to need a little cooperation. Carter needs you and..."

"I know, Mom!" Ooops. Dang! Well, I'll just not look at her now.

I get in the van and wait.

"Hey Jem."

What? Is that Kristy? Sure enough, I turn around and there she sat in the van. Grinning her toothy grin and waving. "Hi! What are you doing here?"

"Your mom is SOOOO cool! She picked me up and we're all going to go get pizza!" Kristy sighed, "The zoo is closed today so all our plans were ruined and I saw your mom driving by! And..." Just then Mom opened the side door to put Carter in his seat. The whole van was full of his crazy whining noises now and there was no way we could hear each other anymore.

"Oh, Carter! We just need to get going!" I looked at my mom now and could see her mouth frowning in concern. Her eyes were tight. Her hair was now falling out of the braid she'd so nicely done that morning. She struggled with much more talent than I could ever have to get that kid into his seat. She looked up at me at that moment and caught my eye. I smiled a little at her as I heard the seatbelt in Carter's seat click. Then, remembering, I quickly turned around.

Awe crap! Oh, whatever. I guess today she got away with it. But I'm sure she'll ruin my life tomorrow!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Our Vacation in 2007

My husband and I were going on our first real big vacation together. Our baby was only almost five months old and we were flying to Florida. I remembered how much he scolded me for giving into the telemarketer offering a "free" vacation almost a year ago. How he had told me it was all a scam and that we would end up spending too much money. For newly-weds with a brand new baby, the cost was high for a vacation like that. But I wanted to take the offer. I wanted to risk it and go to Florida- just to go. Just to see it. To feel the sand on the beach. To feel the humidity on my skin. So I accepted it and we were tied down into this vacation by obligation because in order to receive the "free" vacation, I had paid $200. So now we sat on the plane, baby on my lap, eyes peering out the little rectangular window. Little did we know that we would be having the most wonderful and most terrible vacation of our lives thus far! What awaited us would be a hotel room flooded with an inch of water (nonexchangeable), a long day of traveling with no way of renting a car without spending too much, brownish-yellow bathwater, hours of salesmen trying to convince us to buy timeshares we couldn't afford, warm humid wind blowing against our faces, a baby that rolls over and finds his toes, the warm salty waters of the Atlantic, the smiles of Sea World life, time to hold hands and share moments of "just us". No regrets.


Photo by Jeannieblue
How I envy you
How I want to emulate you
In the way you watch the light
Never taking your face away from that light
Never lowering your head in sorrow
Never finding the shadow until the light is gone
How I want to emulate your light
How you bring others smiles and happiness
How you reach toward the good
How you warm me with your soft glow
Oh how I envy you

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


I want to run to the waiting open arms of my Savior but along the way I have tripped and fallen, I have gotten distracted and headed the opposite direction or a little off coarse, but I try to keep going and I try to get back on track. All I have to do is call for Him and He comes back into my sight right away so I can go forward once again. Someday I believe I'll get there.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Kitty Life

I lay in the sun and give myself a nice bath. Awe what a lovely day! Basking in the sun. So nice and warm! I lay down in the soft grass and just drink it in. I can barely keep my eyes open as I lay here. Prrr. It's the life. And none of those mini-people are around to chase me either. Prrrrr.

Hey! What's that! Hm... I saw something move over there. Ok, I'm up. I slowly creep toward the tree, eyes focused. I know I saw something there. Perhaps it was a bird. Perhaps it was a mouse! Mmm. I'll go extra slow so it doesn't scare off.

I'm just a few more feet from the tree. I'll be able to see around it any minute.

Then I hear it.
"Heeeere Kittykittykittykitty!"
I blink and turn toward the sound. Ah drat, those mini-people are back.

Ok then. Hunt's over.

I climb up the tree and curl up in it's branches to watch them jump up and try to reach me from below. At first I'm nervous and alert. Can they reach me?

No. So I settle in to watch them. Quite amusing, actually.

Photo by typicallyxironic

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Buried Guilt

I buried it.

I knew I couldn't keep it with me. I knew they would eventually come looking for it and would find I had it. That wouldn't look good. So I buried it.

I took it out into the middle of the trees. The sunlight glimpsed through the leaves as I dug the hole. Probably deeper than it needed to be, but I had to be sure. No one was going to find it. No one would find out what I had done. No one would ever know.

I dropped it into the hole and covered it up with dirt. I felt as though I was covering up the biggest secret of my entire life. After it was out of my own view, I started telling myself it wasn't there. That none of what happened had been true. I leveled the dirt and threw pine needles and leaves over the top. It looked as though no one had been here.

As I sat there looking at that spot I started to believe it for myself. The last time I saw the necklace, she was wearing it on her 45th birthday. I hadn't seen it since. And I hadn't seen her since either. It wasn't there beneath the ground. Neither was she. When I felt like my mind had successfully accepted this as fact, I turned to leave and saw them.

My heart stopped.
They knew.

They had seen me bring it here! It was as if they were waiting for the chance to fly away and tell on me. Tell about my guilt. What horrors I had seen...had done.

"No. I didn't." I told them, voice shaking.

They just watched me. Their dark feathers seemed to be shadows of what was to come. They didn't make a sound. They didn't even blink. They just watched me.

"It isn't there! I didn't do it!" I screamed at them.

They watched me quietly. Knowing of my lies. Knowing of my guilt.

My chest pounded and pulsed into my ears.

"No!" I screamed at them.
I started to run. I didn't know where. I just ran. I had to escape. They were going to tell! Their beady eyes were mocking me.

They knew.

My ears pulsed and my head spun. The trees around me grew darker. I tripped and felt the branches of a thorny bush rip through the skin on my cheeks as I fell. I couldn't breath. I couldn't move. I didn't want to move.

It was black. Like their feathers. Like their daunting beady eyes. Waiting and watching me. Drawing out my guilt. The guilt I tried to deny. The guilt I was now willing to feel. It enveloped me.

I would go no further.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Check Out My Guest Post!

Dan from Wood and Pixels Narratives has let me guest post at his blog today! Make sure to go over and take a look and also view his other posts. Dan is a wonderful photographer and I love to read his perspective on the shots. It's a lovely idea for a blog and I am so happy to participate in it! So go on over! (By clicking the link above, by the way.) <3

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Two Pieces of Me

He was like a little ball, all swaddled up tightly into a little blanket and with that little pink and blue hat. He was peeping out at me now and then. He looked as though he wasn't sure what he'd gotten into by coming into this world. Once in a while he would whimper again and let out a little squeak. What a protest. I loved him. But not like they always would say. I wasn't overwhelmed by love at the first moment as they say. The mother's love was supposed to hit me harder and I wondered. But I just had to get to know this little person and the love grows more and more each day. My heart now "walks outside my body" the way they say it should.

Then my other boy came. He was nothing like the first. Eyes wide even minutes after birth. He had come into this world wanting to experience everything! I could see it in his eyes. They still have a hard time closing, even to sleep.

At first I didn't know how to handle the love I felt for both. I felt like my heart was physically being torn in half as one part of it slept in his crib and the other in his cradle next to me. The two pieces of myself feeling so separate. It was a new sensation.

The time healed me. Now the love for both grows. If only I could keep them. Keep them here this way forever. Keep them from the terrors of the world, from the harsh criticisms, the tragic circumstances, and the way people can be so unfair.

But I can't.

So for now I enjoy each moment of innocence. I treasure them while it lasts. And when it's time for me to let go. I must simply...let go.

Lipstick and Lotion

When I used to get restless sometimes at church,
Mom would give me her purse to soothe me.
I’d dig around to find mostly boring things.
Nothing much but the scent
of Lipstick and Lotion.
Keys, Tissue, Pen, maybe Paper,
an interesting Plastic thing,
maybe it was a Mirror,
a Comb, her Wallet,
Notes, Reminders;
They all had the scent,
Of Lipstick and Lotion.

The Lotion Mom used for her hard-working Hands,
Skin toughened from Dishes, Meals, Housework, and Chores;
Sacrifices daily created the scent,
Of Lipstick and Lotion.
The Lipstick she’d wear (mainly for Dad)
was red like the Cherries in Grandma’s sweet Pies,
or the Robin’s breast as it sings on spring Mornings.
The kind of red that made Mom’s soft blue Eyes
shine brighter like the Sky on clear Days,
or like a blue Beta shining fiercely in Water;
like a rare blue Rose, her Eyes would shine,
refreshing that scent
Of Lipstick and Lotion.

Images come from the scent, so ceaseless,
engrained in my Mind evermore.
Mom’s silver Hair (it’s always been silver),
her bright raspberry Smile and cool river Eyes,
entangle forever in the scent,
Of Lipstick and Lotion.
Her Purse always has it, never fails,
no matter what shape or color it takes.
The scent yields her Image.
She follows me now. Always defending,
She carries me through with
The scent of Lipstick and Lotion.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Freedom on Impulse

I was the first to wake in the morning. My feet hurt from the hike we'd taken the day before, but it was all worth it to be here now. The lake calmly rippled the reflections of the world. It seemed to whisper to me. Everything is ok. None of that really matters anyway.

How nice it is to listen to this. The sounds of absolutely nothing but nature. I listen to the breeze. A distant call of a bird lifts my heart within myself and I sigh. I stood on the shore of the lake, letting all my thoughts wash away with the water. All the worries from back home. The work I didn't want to do that still lay on the desk I didn't want to return to.

I let those things rest. Because for now I wasn't there. I wasn't back home. So I wasn't going to worry. For once I wasn't going to worry at all. Today is a fresh day of wandering, exploring the world, listening to nothing, and preparing nothing but perhaps roasted fish over the fire.

I didn't have to wear make up. I didn't even have to brush my hair if I didn't want to. But I did anyway because it was for me. That's what this day is about. Me. I closed my eyes and took a breath, letting the fresh cool air fill my lungs. The scent came with it... of pine and spruce and whatever else that was. I was invigorated.

I looked behind myself. No one else had stirred. The camp was still silent.

Then, as soon as the thought crossed my mind, I was already running. The air whipping at my face and my hair stringing behind me felt so exhilarating. I hit the water with a splash and dove into it. It's cold embrace was a shock at first but then I rested into it, soaking my clothes and laughing.

Because today, I could.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The Day I Ran

I remember that day. I wore my pink and yellow party dress. I remember how the ruffles felt against my legs as they swung with my movement. How it looked so much like a pretty flower when I twirled. How it waved in the wind as I ran.

My hair was crimped and braided and my face was painted like a doll. Mother had spent so long doing my hair and make-up that day. How I would complain and wiggle and be scolded. How long it seemed to take. How I hated it. It was all in preparation for that show. I didn't want to be in the show. I didn't care about the show. She always made me be in the show. Every year I was in the show.

But that day it was different. I remember that day.

I was on the stage, dancing with the others the way I always had. When I saw him. He was hiding behind others in the crowd. He ducked when he noticed that I had seen him, but it was too late. I leapt from the stage to my mother's horror. She was so shocked. I can still see her face. The wrinkles seemed deeper somehow as she shook her finger and scolded once more. But I didn't care.

I ran to him. That few hundred feet seemed so short in comparison to the long stretch of time since I had last saw my grandfather. He smiled through his tears and it felt wonderful to finally be in his arms again.

I remember that day. The day I knew for certain it had never been my fault that he'd gone. The day I knew for certain that I was loved. The day I knew for certain that I would never let my mother stand between us again.


Monday, April 20, 2009

Mending Shattered Glass

I wish I could go back and explain.
You never were as ugly as you thought you were.
I wish I could change what happened.
But what was was.
And there’s no changing that.

All I can do now is let you know
You are beautiful.
Despite what those cruel children said.
They were lies to deceive,
And you need not believe them anymore.

So, trust it now.
You can take those compliments
Without malice or disbelief,
Because honest truth has endured
And the truth was
The glass never shattered.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

A Moment in the Mist

(A PP&P Win)

I hadn't laughed so hard in my life. Or at least I couldn't remember it. This was the most fun I had had in decades. I looked up, eyes watering, and felt so alive. My body was invigorated! I looked back at him and his eyes, too, glistened in moisture from laughter. How charming he looked with that moisture clinging at the corners of his eyes. He wiped them away.

"Awe, if only we could go on walks like this every day." I said, letting the longing slip out into my voice. I wanted so much for him to know how much I truly meant the words.

"Yes. Me too." He replied. I looked at him hopefully but he added, "But it's impossible."

Somehow the fog created a cover that was so protective to us. No one could see us. But suddenly I realized that meant I couldn't see if someone was listening. I looked around myself a little uncomfortable at the thought. He caught my arm. "We're safe. It's too early."

"How long do we have now?" I asked.

"Ok, let's not go into this now." He said, smiling widely. His charms melted all my jitters away. How did he always make me feel so comfortable? "Let's just enjoy this moment while it lasts."

I agreed that was what I wanted. I looked forward and just loved the way the fog made the streetlights look so much more romantic- their warm glow would hit his skin in the most lovely way whenever we grew close to them. How I loved him. I wish I could tell him.

"So, shall we stop in for some coffee then?" He put his arm around me and I cuddled in closer. So soft and warm. I wanted to stay here forever.

"Yes. Let's stop in for coffee."

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Dusting Off Some Old Poetry and Thought I'd Share a Couple

A Valediction

In my white dress,
Curly hair,
Smiles and tears,
With my something old,
And something new,
Something borrowed,
I was missing something blue,
Or was I?
I wish
I could say
I’m sorry…
For moving on so
But I’m happy.
I’ve heard many times
“You can’t fake it hard enough to please
Or anyone…”
But it seems I’ve succeeded with you.
Unless you’ve succeeded with me.
You weren’t there
To see my smiling face
Or see me race across the hall
In that big white dress
Clutching frosting and cake.
With a smear across my painted face,
Or when I sang my heart out for him
In my parent’s back yard.
But that doesn’t matter.
“I’ve learned so much since you’ve been gone.”
And maybe someday I can show you that.
But for now

Her Silent Legends

Golden light, orange leaves
And a clear sky.
A once lofty giant has fallen over.
Shards point to the heavens where he was torn.
The body lies, humble,
In the rusty yellow grass,
Quietly encircled by his autumn friends.

An ancient pathway,
Overgrown in its travels,
Mourns near him and endures.
It slithers out of sight in the distance
Where mists overtake its resolve
At the foot of an erudite mountain.

Faintly seen in the above blue,
Thin, curved lines form lumps and angles
And soar together over the hilltops.
They circle each other warmly,
Playing Hide and Seek in the clouds.

Beneath, the giant still sleeps,
Surrounded by the golden light.
Radiated in the peaceful portrait
Of a newfound morning
In the forests within
My Grandmother’s imagination.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Today Is a Gift: The Present

All of us dream of something more
But who goes out and does it?

Have you dreamt of changing your job?
What is keeping you from doing it?

The cash, the family, the girl next door...
The economy, the life, the substantial debt and more...

Have you dreamt of traveling so far?
What has stopped you from going there?

The job, the family, the time to go passing...
The fear, the weather, the money worth spending...

If you cannot change jobs today- then start a new hobby today.
If you cannot go traveling today-
bring those travels home to you.

Camp out in your living room, throw a Hawaiian party, spend a day "at the beach" in your backyard. The world is yours TODAY.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Obsessed Dreamy Thoughts

You know you're obsessed when...
you write about Twilight when prompted by a random photo that really has nothing to do with it...
My entry:
"As I walk along the cobbled narrow street, I'm reminded of a familiar scene of a book I once read. When the narrow pathways between buildings shielded the light so those who sparkled in it could remain undiscovered. Walking about the humans, searching for that perfect one who was about to kill himself. This scene makes me imagine the red scarves blowing in the wind and a clock tower in the center of a square where he was about to step out into the light, expose himself to the crowd, and be killed for doing so. Because he thought I was dead. Me. Because he loved me. Awe, the dreams."

Yes...I'm obsessed. Truly, this is a dream of mine. *Sigh* Click picture to go to PPP.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Ocean Glow

Funny- I don't surf at all...but it would be fun to someday learn. I just don't get to the ocean much. :) Prompt from PPP.

I wasn't very good at this. For the tenth time today I was being knocked around by this monstrous water. Why was I even agreeing to this? I mean, I've always been the one with no talent...
"Hey, you wanna go again?" my twin beckoned to me, walking up the sand, salty water dripping from his hair.
"Ok." I said, hesitating.
"Awe come-on, you'll get it." He said, handing me my board that I had dropped before plopping myself onto the sand to toast in the sun a bit. The board was warm and almost inviting. I looked up it seemed that the water still was angry with me. It roared at me. Didn't look very inviting.
Matt was already splashing into the water. He looked back at me and waved me forward. Sighing, I started toward my fate again. Maybe this time I'll get really slammed and he'll let me go home.
We swam out together, he and I. I couldn't help smiling a little at how eager he was. What was it about this sport that made him glow so much? His eyes sparkled in excitement as he looked at me and grinned.
" we go. Just concentrate and let the water do the work."
And her came the wave. I worked to keep my body on the board. It was wet and slippery. How did he ever stay on it? The water came up and I couldn't see Matt anymore. But I was really going to try this time. I kept my feet on the board and felt the water lift me. A spray of water hit my face and I put out my hands to block it.
Whoosh. The air seemed to crystallize on my face and hair. My heartbeat raced with exhilaration and it was a release I had never felt before.
Then it was over.
I looked up to see Matt still out in the water. He hadn't caught the wave. Throwing his hands into the air he let out a big WHOOOP for me and I felt a warm glow growing inside my chest.
Running and splashing back out in the water to him, I yelled, "Let's go again!"


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